After about one week's class on seminary course, I have learnt a lot. It is not a course teaching me what is the only way for interpreting the Bible, but it is a course of life, which influence my heart. I can clearly distinguish that previously I have doubt in my heart about God, but now I can really feel His existence, and His truth from the Bible.
This afternoon, after I came back home, I listen to the song played in the couse - "Thank You" by Ray Boltz, which touch my heart again and again when I listen to it. I know it is the touch from the Holy Spirit because my heart will not be so touched by the content of the song. Then I made a prayer to God with tears on my eyes, saying that "Here I am, equip me Lord, clean my sin and impurity, I don't know what is your time, I don't know what is your plan, but I know I am willing to give my whole life to you. It is genuine and I know it is not from my own heart."
At now, I really don't know whether it is God's calling or not. I made a call to Jiawei and Haihua about this, Haihua said that I need to wait for God, if it is really God's calling, He will make it clear in my heart and they and other brothers and sisters will pray for me. Actually, I am very fearful about my parents, how will they think about it? Will they think I am crazy? How could I just give up all my previous education and to be a missionary? I really don't know what is God's calling, I don't know. I wish I could be just like Prof. Huang, being a professor but also be used by God in my research. This maybe is my own selfish desire, and my own willing. I wish I could have the faith and courage to follow God when He really calls me to do so, because I know it is not me who is serving God, but He Himself is helping me in my service, and I will have peace, joy, and love.
Another struggle, as Haihua also said, is that the life of a missionary will be tough and be persecuted. I really don't know now. Lord, if it is really your calling, let me be your servant and be your channel, and equip me well for your kingdom. Lord, if it is really your calling, make it clear in my heart and let me have faith in you no matter what. And I take refuge in you!
Praise the Lord!!!
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