The eternal freedom

What is the major difference separating Christianity from other religious? The answer is God's Grace!!! And the grace is free from God, and the only work that the believer has to do is to believe in the Son of God, Jesus Christ! And anyone, no matter whether he is rich, poor; powerful, low; healthy, weak all have the same free gift! What an amazing statement!!! Except Jesus Christ, the son of God, who else dare to say this? Even someone said this and have many believers, but time will prove everything!

I was literally saved on Aug. 1st, 2010. The remarkable date that I claim to be married to Jesus Christ. I still remembered clearly the tough time I have been through before I know Christ, and how God struck me down and make me humble. I also remembered how I doubt about the bible, laughed at the believers how stupid and lowly they are, and asked many many questions in the bible study. And how remarkably I turn 180 degree around to believe in God and give up my questions to faith and decided to be baptized. All this are wonderful to me, and lead me in front of God.

And I really enjoyed the Honeymoon day with Christ, and how I cried out a lot like a baby when I listen to some music; how I was moved and inspired by the words of the bible; and how exciting that He gives me the offer from UNC in unexpected time according to what my friends and I consistently pray for; and how peaceful I become as a Christian.

But things never went just in good direction. Although I claimed to be a Christian publicly, but I should admit that a lot of time I am afraid to claim my religious status among my non-christian friends. Although I can preach Gospel well to people who are interested, claiming the essential idea of Faith, when I am alone, I am still struggle with my faith and have doubt about all the things happened. Although I have more services in the church and in the small cell group, I somehow still do all these things according to my flesh and do not have a clear idea what it means to do it for Christ. Although I have been purified by God, I always come back to my old life and do the things that I used to do and God don't like.

I struggle, I doubt, I sink, I self-centered. With all the voice around me with atheist; all the voice about money, status, papers, work, wife, children; all the arguments about the faith; all the bad things happened around; and the normally life happened everyday without any change, make me feel far far away from God. I lose the passion I had before in the honeymoon. I become used to every religious activities I have done, I become more and more out and just want to be a bystander. But I cannot turn back anymore, because the things without God is horrible to me. I cannot turn back anymore, because what I have experienced and learned from the bible tells me it is good stuff. I cannot turn back anymore, because I have so many good Christian friends.

But is that what I want to be? Jesus said He comes to give us life and eternal freedom. What that means? Do I have to remain the religious things because I cannot turn back? Do I have to pretend to do all these good things to look godly? What does God's grace really mean? It means BELIEF!!! That is all we need! God don't need us to do anything for him; God does not need us to persuasive other people through our knowledge about the bible; God does not need us to obey the sabbath! All He need for us is to BELIEVE Jesus Christ! And He will give the freedom and grace freely to us! Before we behave godly more, let us believe more! And He will give us the life and eternal freedom!

Little prayer:
Heavenly father, I thank you for the free gift that you gave to us as your children. I thank you for saving us with a big prize that you kill your son for our sins. I thank you for your promise that if we believe, we will have life and freedom. Father, give me wisdom to understand more! Give me wisdom to know your will more! And give me faith because I am of little faith! Father, I also repent for my sin! I repent that you will purify my body and do not let me watch porn anymore! I repent that you will purify my mouth that I will not say things that hurt people anymore! I repent that you will clean my mind that I will only focus on you and see other things as meaningless! I repent about my pride, my self-center, and my hard heart! Father, without your love and your promising, I will surely fall out and go far away from you. But you are faithful, but I am faithless! You are righteous but I am wicked! Father, let your Gospel be source of everything for me to cleanse me and renew me everyday! I pray in Jesus name! Amen!

Sinful V.S. Graceful

Thank God to reveal many of my unknown sinful desires in the bottom of my heart through these two years life in Pittsburgh. Next time, when people ask me how I was changed by becoming a Christian, I can tell them that I feel more that I am a sinful person than ever before; but I will also tell them I feel more blessed because of God's grace.

The chinese church at pittsburgh (PCCO) currently has been spending almost two to three months talking about God's grace. I still can remember one figure where it shows that the longer we are becoming a Christian, the more we realize how sinful we are; but the grace of God also becomes bigger. Hallelujah! Praise be all to the Lord!

I strongly believe that people are sinful from the very beginning. Why? I really don't know how other people thinks, but I should confess my sin here:

1. I love myself more than God! This is quite true. I will put the priority of my work, life, and everything before God! But I will put God's words and His commands all to the end! But His words and His commands will last forever! However, I will just ignore the real wisdom but pursue the worldly things and influenced by the environment around.
2. I am a self-centered people. All I have done is to comfort myself! All I have done is to make me happy, and I don't care about other people's feeling! Sometimes, I speak things too fast, or make joke on other people. And my mouth is like a arrow, it does not have any gentle and love. For example, a few days ago, I make a joke to Jess saying that she speaks too loud and too much. I do not intend to criticize her, but I think that may make her not feeling well somehow. When people say something bad to me, the first thing I response is that I am correct, but you are the one to blame. For example, when I co-worked with Yue this weeks, I always do not keep my time, but delay my promise, but I am still criticizing she does not do anything, and she can finish this, she cat do that, blablabla... from my heart.
3. I am easily motioned people. I always think I am a easy going people, and I am good enough that everyone will say that I am good. But these two years tell me that I am not, definitely not! I am immature, I am not good, I am without any Christ love at all. For example, I am angry when zach talked about things about china ppl, my prior information and teaching make me feel not good and my inner sinful things burst out like a flood which I never know.
4. I am a not self-controlled people. Jesus said we should treasure the time he gives to us, and should work hard for his kingdom and also obey the master (our boss). But I am not at all. I do not quite satisfy with what my boss told me to do. I want to do something bigger and influential. Obviously, I am walking in my own way, and playing with the fire, and do not control my time well. Also, I cannot control to abandon watching porn!! I know God hates adultery, but I just cannot control that.

There are many many more sinful things in me. I am sure God will reveals more and more in future according to his time. I thank God to let me know that I am a sinful person, and I cannot save by myself at all. Because if there is no God in me, all the things I have done is for the personal sinful desires for myself. God come to cleanse me with your abundant grace and with your endless love. I present all the sins in front of you, and I submit all my body and all my soul to the holy spirit! Teach me good and lead me away from the wicked!

Nothing will change my love to you! My precious Lord! Although I will sink or fall again in future, I know you will never forsake me, because you are good and you are justice, I am willing to be your child, and you be my father!

Sorry, Mr. Zach

Dear Brother Zach,

I feel very sorry about my angry expressed last night when we discussed about the the Chinese government and America government.

I thought I was a peace lover and can treat people equally well and do not have nationalism. But from last night, I can see that I am not. Just like when I first became a Christian, I thought I was not sinful at all, but as I know Christ more, the more I realize I am a sinner.

When I was raised up in China, I was taught how western countries robbed our country, and how Japanese conquered China. And I thought that China has 5,000 years' old history, I am proud of that. And America attack Iraq, Iran, and many middle east countries, because it wants the oil there and because maybe it is the plot of America to conquer and control China. I don't know how many people think like me, but I am sure there are many.

But from your mouth, I can see that somehow it is different from what I thought it should be. It really struck me, and make me don't know what is the truth! Are we all live in the lie? All government wants to protect their own authority. Maybe country like America where CNN may criticize the government somehow, but there should be some bottom line that CNN cannot say anything about.

I really want to seek the truth, but we can only listen to the media (like internet, news), but are they reliable?

However, this makes me love God more, because we human being are all sinful, we focus on ourselves, we are in plot, we are angry. We are evil from the bottom! Jesus said brothers should not be angry with each other, but should love each other with Christ's love. Sorry about what I have done! I am still a baby in Christ, I do things in flesh, I do not love God more than myself. May God's Grace be with us forever and ever until the end of the world! Hallelujah!

In Christ,
Wei

Why my faith will be affected by other people?

I noticed the effect that my faith will be challenged and affected by other people's perspectives. I remember that when I saw a MIT professor publicly proclaim her Christianity faith on her website, I cannot express how exciting I am; but when I saw Noah Smith, a CMU well-known professor explicitly against religion in science, I feel kinda sad and nervous.

What is truth? It is good for everyone to ask this question! The good news is that there are many people asking this question; on the other side, there are many different answers to this question. Where are we come from? What is the reason for us to live? Where are we going? Some people find answers in religion, some others find answers in science, some in emptiness, some in philosophy... But, what is truth? People will have different perspectives on this question. To be honest, I am still skeptical. But I believe the truth, and the truth can be testified.

Why do I bother this question a lot? Don't know! Sometimes, I prefer not to think this question, but just live a simple life. But from time to time, I start questing myself: what is my faith? what my life value should be? what life do I want to live?

It is a choice for everyone! Which do you choose in the road of searching the truth? We can try different things, but the only truth can stand! Let me walk with Jesus through my life, and see what wonderful things He will present for me! At least now, Jesus is the source of everything for me! Because GOD IS LOVE, JESUS IS LOVE! Amen!

you got a dream, you got to protect it

It is one of my favorites movie, especially love one scripture from there

Dad: Hey... don't ever let anybody tell you you can't do something... not even me... all right?
Son: alright...
Dad: you got a dream, you got to protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. You want something, go get it, period it!

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi4093116697/

About dream

What is my dream? Exactly speaking, I kind of know it when I was a junior student. My dream is to construct a machine which have the same intelligence as human beings. But with time going on, many difficulties arise to run against my dream. The hardness of real life, the temptation of work for good life, the quit for PhD for many of my classmates, the failure to get into the graduate program related to Brain research, the loneliness in life with no support, the laziness, the proud, the impatience, the impetus heart... It looks like the dream is going far and far away, the passion gradually fades away, and I drift like many people, loosing my target.

I know many people have this feeling. I think most people have the dream in their childhood, no matter whether it is big or not. But with time goes on, people start giving up something. Now, it is my chance to trust my belief, and diligently working towards my dream, and do not led astray by the worldly value system.

As according to God's will for my life, I don't quite know that. If God's will for me is to explore the brain of human being, then I will go ahead and do it; if God's will for me is to spread out the Gospel as a missionary, then I will also go and do it. I think I should pray more to know God's will.

Anyway, it is really important to have faith, no matter for what. And I know faith have saved me, faith have given me the new life. People, if you don't have faith, come to Jesus Christ; and he will give you a new life and eternal life with God.

Let you will be done!

The old memory

I have difficult to take a breath now, because all of my old memories float up from the bottom.............

I remembered the time we went to FengHuang; I remembered that I was sleepless for the first time because of you; I remembered that I carry you on my back and you don't want me to do that because you were afraid that I will get tired; I remembered that I can run to Yangzhou to buy you the dolls; I remembered that I cannot stop watching the TV show that you liked a lot; I remembered I searched all your diaries and notes online to try to know you more; I remember we sat beside the river although speechless but still have a lot of fun; I remembered every details now... but all of these just make my heart broken, I want to go back to that time, to my first love.

You are not perfect, my mom don't like you a lot, I don't know why I love you when you ask me that, I don't believe true love before, I don't believe the things happen in the TV show... but after I know you, I began to believe all things, I don't know whether I will get in love with someone else again like how I loved you.

When I listen to the music that we listen to when we were in love, my heart flees back to the time when we listen to them together. Oh, where is that? How could I forget all of that?

speechless............................................. just want to go back to the time :'(

This is what the Lord says

Jeremiah 17:5-10

"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one live."

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?

"I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve."

Sorry, I forgot you

Thank you for letting me know what is love. Thank you for letting me know how to love. Thank you for give me the sense of broken heart. Thank you for teaching me how to treat well to people... I cannot express how many thanks to you, all because the things you have done to me. I made a promise that I will not get into a relationship before you. I don't know how are you doing currently. Don't want to contact you, but I will continue praying for you and hope that one day you can find the One who belongs to you and who can give you true love. Sorry for hurting you, sorry for my immaturity, and sorry for all the bad things I have done to you.

I don't remember from what time, I start forgetting you. Maybe it is because I have a lot of friends here and really have a fun time with them. Time really is a good medicine, which can wipe out all the memories, all the bad stuffs, but only the happy time we had. I still remember the first year that I cannot give up on you, I thought of you day and night. Sorry that I forget you now. I start getting used to my current life. I think it is time to say goodbye to those time, and say goodbye to the old time and old memory.

I will head for a new environment in a few months. I will start a brand new life style. I think I am ready for it now, I will try my best to pursue my initial passion, the things that I told you before. Although, maybe I cannot fulfill the promise I made for you, I will remember you forever and in my bottom heart. You will be in my inner part of my heart, no one will come to there, only we two have been there. I will reserve that place for you, and put all the good memories that we had.

I still remember that you asked me: why do I love you so much? I don't know exactly the answer now. Maybe it is because you are my first love. Thanks for giving the love and letting me to love you with a pure heart. It is really a good memory. Hope we can all reserve this memories inside our heart and make it holy.

I have too much words to say about us; but I think it is time to stop. I will make you a position in my heart. You are my first love. Thank you! Sorry, I forgot you! Wish you all the best! God bless you!

Pursue the initial passion

Don't know from what time, people begin to complain their initial dream is gone and they have to struggle hard for the life. I think all people have their own dream in their childhood. Some may want to be a scientist, some may want to be an artist, some may want to be a ordinary people. But with time goes on, because the reality of life, young people are sometimes frustrated because they found out that the initial dream is leaving day by day. They begin to lose the passion for the initial dream, some even struggle to battle hard for the life. I am one of them.

Think about my initial dream. From very young, I always have a belief that one day computer can have the intelligence as human being. With this dream in my heart, I start my journey at CMU, the top university in computer science, especially in Artificial Intelligence. I thought I can find answer here; I thought I can solve the fundamental problem in this field; I thought I can make breakthrough in this field. But the reality told me that it is not true. It is much much more hard than I think it should be.

Now I choose the filed of Computer Vision, a subfield of Artificial Intelligence. There are many improvements over this field in last few decades, but I don't think the computer even have the same ability as baby. There are many fundamental problems not been solved. These two years, I have done many projects, trying to make things work. I can sense some achievement from the process, but it definitely cannot satisfy me. I know exactly my initial dream, and I was full of passion and hope for that. But with time goes on, with more research I have done, I began to doubt my ability and the future of Artificial Intelligence. I doubt I can have the ability to make changes to this field. A lot of time, I am trapped into the same value system and same approach as what most people is doing. And gradually, I forget my initial dream, I think the dream is so unrealistic.

Now, I am going to begin my PhD life. Why do I choose PhD? Do I just want to have a PhD degree? Or do I want to make some fundamental breakthrough? Or I just want to have many many papers? What is my goal for the five or more years PhD life? What is my initial dream that urges me to come to U.S.? Do I just give it up? Or do I have to insist on it no matter what the results will be?

Life is really difficult and always so realistic that makes people wander away from their initial plan. Life and time will make people lose their own seeking, and make people live the life according to what most people live. And now, I still have some little passion for my initial dream, that is making the computer have the same intelligence as human being, especially for computer vision part. I know my goal exactly, but I understand: no pain, no gain! If I only have dream, that is unrealistic; I have to pay price for it, and work hard for it, otherwise, it will just become another tragedy.

Faith can help here. Just a pure heart, believing the good things. And now I am a Christian, maybe I should not just do things according to my own will, but according to God's will. I don't know what is God's will for my life. I should pray more and know His will better. Because I don't want myself to follow the same way as before, doing things just according to my own will.

Proverbs 4:23
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Old boy

I don't care anything

I don't know from what time, I start caring nothing. When people are talking about their future goal, or talking about how to control time better, or how to find a beautiful girlfriend, all of them seem nothing to me. To me, I feel like I only have to do my best for God, then that is. I don't know whether this is a good sign or not. I also start speaking less, because when people speak, I think they are all meaningless, just as the way I speak. Because the more I speak, the more stupid I am. Now I prefer to be a good listener. I don't know whether this good or not.

The scripture says that the Holy spirit will fill your heart and make you care nothing about the worldly thing, the wisdom from Solomon said that we cannot talk like a babbler, but I am not sure I am filled with the holy spirit, or am losing my passion for life.

Anyway, it is a good morning, and it is quite. I can hear the sound of the bird; I can write down these words; I can have a wonderful new day. Thanks God for giving me all of these. Even though I don't know you, even though I don't want to love you; but you love me first, how could I resist your love? Guide my heart more than anything else, Lord!

Why am I not happy?

Tonight, we had the fellowship with brothers and sisters. People are all full of joy, and talked a lot, some is about their current progress on work and study, some is about their struggle and their trouble. But I don't know what happens to me, I am not so in the group, I feel I am out of this group, I can not so fill in and enjoy it as I always was. When people are talking about their study, their opinion about things, and their understanding, their argument, all of which are meaningless to me. I don't know whether this is the thought from God or from my arrogant stumble heart. It looks like I have lost passion for Christ. I have experienced all things going on in the Church, I have so many doubts currently, I don't have many support and love from other people; although I should not have these thoughts, I should seek all this from Christ. But somehow, my heart becomes cold, and becomes unhappy. I don't know why.

Also, I preached the Gospel to one people tonight at the cell group, but many questions from him make my wandering mind wander even more. When I talked with him, I don't even know what I am talking about. Many of his questions are the same as mine, which I thought I have the answer to them, but I still cannot answer them. I know the faith is not depending on how much knowledge you know.

After the fellowship, when we pray, I don't know how to pray to God. And then I listened to many people's happy talking, I did not want to fit into them as usual. I just want to stay quite for some time. I can sense it is the challenge for my faith. The only thing that I can use is the scripture. And I just randomly pick up one scripture which is Romans 8:26-27. That strikes me, because it describes exactly what I was being through during these days. When I pray, I don't know how to pray to God, when I read the scripture, I do not have a pure heart to seek the Truth. But the scripture just said the Holy Spirit will intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. God! This is your words for me! You want to make me assure that you are faithful, but I am faithless; you are the truth, but I am the wicked; you are the saviour, I am the dead person.

Anyway, I don't know what is going on in my mind, and my note is mindless too. I just don't want talk too much tonight. Just want to be quite, and spend some quite time with God, and with His words and the truth. Father, Let my old self go!