Tonight, we had the fellowship with brothers and sisters. People are all full of joy, and talked a lot, some is about their current progress on work and study, some is about their struggle and their trouble. But I don't know what happens to me, I am not so in the group, I feel I am out of this group, I can not so fill in and enjoy it as I always was. When people are talking about their study, their opinion about things, and their understanding, their argument, all of which are meaningless to me. I don't know whether this is the thought from God or from my arrogant stumble heart. It looks like I have lost passion for Christ. I have experienced all things going on in the Church, I have so many doubts currently, I don't have many support and love from other people; although I should not have these thoughts, I should seek all this from Christ. But somehow, my heart becomes cold, and becomes unhappy. I don't know why.
Also, I preached the Gospel to one people tonight at the cell group, but many questions from him make my wandering mind wander even more. When I talked with him, I don't even know what I am talking about. Many of his questions are the same as mine, which I thought I have the answer to them, but I still cannot answer them. I know the faith is not depending on how much knowledge you know.
After the fellowship, when we pray, I don't know how to pray to God. And then I listened to many people's happy talking, I did not want to fit into them as usual. I just want to stay quite for some time. I can sense it is the challenge for my faith. The only thing that I can use is the scripture. And I just randomly pick up one scripture which is Romans 8:26-27. That strikes me, because it describes exactly what I was being through during these days. When I pray, I don't know how to pray to God, when I read the scripture, I do not have a pure heart to seek the Truth. But the scripture just said the Holy Spirit will intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. God! This is your words for me! You want to make me assure that you are faithful, but I am faithless; you are the truth, but I am the wicked; you are the saviour, I am the dead person.
Anyway, I don't know what is going on in my mind, and my note is mindless too. I just don't want talk too much tonight. Just want to be quite, and spend some quite time with God, and with His words and the truth. Father, Let my old self go!
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