Don't know from what time, people begin to complain their initial dream is gone and they have to struggle hard for the life. I think all people have their own dream in their childhood. Some may want to be a scientist, some may want to be an artist, some may want to be a ordinary people. But with time goes on, because the reality of life, young people are sometimes frustrated because they found out that the initial dream is leaving day by day. They begin to lose the passion for the initial dream, some even struggle to battle hard for the life. I am one of them.
Think about my initial dream. From very young, I always have a belief that one day computer can have the intelligence as human being. With this dream in my heart, I start my journey at CMU, the top university in computer science, especially in Artificial Intelligence. I thought I can find answer here; I thought I can solve the fundamental problem in this field; I thought I can make breakthrough in this field. But the reality told me that it is not true. It is much much more hard than I think it should be.
Now I choose the filed of Computer Vision, a subfield of Artificial Intelligence. There are many improvements over this field in last few decades, but I don't think the computer even have the same ability as baby. There are many fundamental problems not been solved. These two years, I have done many projects, trying to make things work. I can sense some achievement from the process, but it definitely cannot satisfy me. I know exactly my initial dream, and I was full of passion and hope for that. But with time goes on, with more research I have done, I began to doubt my ability and the future of Artificial Intelligence. I doubt I can have the ability to make changes to this field. A lot of time, I am trapped into the same value system and same approach as what most people is doing. And gradually, I forget my initial dream, I think the dream is so unrealistic.
Now, I am going to begin my PhD life. Why do I choose PhD? Do I just want to have a PhD degree? Or do I want to make some fundamental breakthrough? Or I just want to have many many papers? What is my goal for the five or more years PhD life? What is my initial dream that urges me to come to U.S.? Do I just give it up? Or do I have to insist on it no matter what the results will be?
Life is really difficult and always so realistic that makes people wander away from their initial plan. Life and time will make people lose their own seeking, and make people live the life according to what most people live. And now, I still have some little passion for my initial dream, that is making the computer have the same intelligence as human being, especially for computer vision part. I know my goal exactly, but I understand: no pain, no gain! If I only have dream, that is unrealistic; I have to pay price for it, and work hard for it, otherwise, it will just become another tragedy.
Faith can help here. Just a pure heart, believing the good things. And now I am a Christian, maybe I should not just do things according to my own will, but according to God's will. I don't know what is God's will for my life. I should pray more and know His will better. Because I don't want myself to follow the same way as before, doing things just according to my own will.
Proverbs 4:23
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Old boy
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