Thank God to reveal many of my unknown sinful desires in the bottom of my heart through these two years life in Pittsburgh. Next time, when people ask me how I was changed by becoming a Christian, I can tell them that I feel more that I am a sinful person than ever before; but I will also tell them I feel more blessed because of God's grace.
The chinese church at pittsburgh (PCCO) currently has been spending almost two to three months talking about God's grace. I still can remember one figure where it shows that the longer we are becoming a Christian, the more we realize how sinful we are; but the grace of God also becomes bigger. Hallelujah! Praise be all to the Lord!
I strongly believe that people are sinful from the very beginning. Why? I really don't know how other people thinks, but I should confess my sin here:
1. I love myself more than God! This is quite true. I will put the priority of my work, life, and everything before God! But I will put God's words and His commands all to the end! But His words and His commands will last forever! However, I will just ignore the real wisdom but pursue the worldly things and influenced by the environment around.
2. I am a self-centered people. All I have done is to comfort myself! All I have done is to make me happy, and I don't care about other people's feeling! Sometimes, I speak things too fast, or make joke on other people. And my mouth is like a arrow, it does not have any gentle and love. For example, a few days ago, I make a joke to Jess saying that she speaks too loud and too much. I do not intend to criticize her, but I think that may make her not feeling well somehow. When people say something bad to me, the first thing I response is that I am correct, but you are the one to blame. For example, when I co-worked with Yue this weeks, I always do not keep my time, but delay my promise, but I am still criticizing she does not do anything, and she can finish this, she cat do that, blablabla... from my heart.
3. I am easily motioned people. I always think I am a easy going people, and I am good enough that everyone will say that I am good. But these two years tell me that I am not, definitely not! I am immature, I am not good, I am without any Christ love at all. For example, I am angry when zach talked about things about china ppl, my prior information and teaching make me feel not good and my inner sinful things burst out like a flood which I never know.
4. I am a not self-controlled people. Jesus said we should treasure the time he gives to us, and should work hard for his kingdom and also obey the master (our boss). But I am not at all. I do not quite satisfy with what my boss told me to do. I want to do something bigger and influential. Obviously, I am walking in my own way, and playing with the fire, and do not control my time well. Also, I cannot control to abandon watching porn!! I know God hates adultery, but I just cannot control that.
There are many many more sinful things in me. I am sure God will reveals more and more in future according to his time. I thank God to let me know that I am a sinful person, and I cannot save by myself at all. Because if there is no God in me, all the things I have done is for the personal sinful desires for myself. God come to cleanse me with your abundant grace and with your endless love. I present all the sins in front of you, and I submit all my body and all my soul to the holy spirit! Teach me good and lead me away from the wicked!
Nothing will change my love to you! My precious Lord! Although I will sink or fall again in future, I know you will never forsake me, because you are good and you are justice, I am willing to be your child, and you be my father!
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